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i've got my memory...
always inside of me.
but i can't go back,
back to how it was.
i believe you now.
i've come too far,
no, i can't go back,
back to how it was.
created for a place i've never known,
this is home, now i'm finally where i belong.
yeah this is home, i've been searching for a place of my own.
now i've found it, maybe this is home, yeah this is home.
belief over misery; i've seen the enemy...
but i wont go back, back to how it was..
i've got my heart set on what happens next.
i've got my eyes wide, its not over yet.
we're a miracle and we're not alone.
and now, after all my searching
after all my questions
i'm gonna call it home.
i've got a brand new mindset.
i can finally see the sunset.
i'm going to call it home.
i've come too far.
and i won't go back,
yeah this is home.
Life is huge. It's a crazy thing to try and breakdown, but when you really get into it, you realize it's the simple things that make everyday more interesting. Driving down the road, sun rays reflect off the windshield and music blares threw the speakers. Coming to the stop light, I glance around and see a little girl on a swing. She seems like she couldn't be happier at that moment, as if the swing is her escape from the bigger picture. Where do we lose that mentality? It's funny that I can't even remember a time of change from that to the complications that everyday life has in store for us. When did we go from having a stand in the front yard selling single glasses of lemonade to this grown up stage of life where you can't survive without money? I never really though about how much we should appreciate that innocence because before we know it, that frame of mind gets ripped away from us and suddenly we are flooded with temptations and thoughts that are unheard of as a child, and we usually aren't even prepared for such a rapid change of pace. We never know when life will throw the next curveball, and whether we will strike out or hit it out of the park. Regardless, simple things are one step closer to home. Appreciate each step. Live it out. Love.
i haven't written in forever. an entry is long overdue.

basically, the new year has been good so far. it seemed like 2007 went by wayyyy too fast. it feels like summer was yesterday. nonetheless, 2008 is looking better than last year. maybe it's because i'm comparing one month to twelve months, or maybe it's just the fact that i have a lot of goals to work towards, and one of them already happened.

to write love on her arms intern for a week? i never really thought it would happen but it did. i just have to fill out some paper work and it looks like i'll be in florida with them for a week in march, and then staying down there to visit my cousins for another week after that. it's pretty unreal. i remember when i had the chance to do just a little work for TWLOHA when they were in buffalo last, and i was so stoked about that. i love everything they do and what they strive to be and the amazing hearts they all have, i can't believe i'm getting the oppurtunity to be a part of it. i am really blessed. i miss my cousins a lot too so basically i'm super stoked.

i moved back home. no reason other than a bad neighborhood and the fact that i was broke really. it was fun while it lasted but really, it's not worth it for me. next goal: save some cash, apply to florida schools and move there. it seems farfetched but i really feel like it's right. i say that a lot but it's now or never really.

friends have been so good to me the past few months. i like the point that i'm in. i really only hang out with leah, michelle or christine, but i like that i can keep relationships with people without necessarily hanging out with them often. it's a good feeling to know that i have that basis with a lot of great people. not saying i dont miss people like michael and brian and molly and kellie and andrea and lee. it's just good to know that whether i see them every few days or every few months, they're still there for me all the same.

at the same point, i kinda feel like i missed out on a huge part of my brother growing up while i wasn't living here. i've only been home for about a week, and i've already learned so much about him. granted, he's only eleven years old, but i love the kid to death. my sister too but she's at that weird closed out high school phase where she only wants to talk to her friends and no one else. i never really realized how intense that phase is until i started watching it from the opposite side.

as far as relationships go, i'm still solo. i really have no feelings about that at all. i really would like to have the feeling of having someone there, but at the same time i want it to be with someone i share the feelings with, so i'm in no rush. i just miss everything that comes with it. the snuggles and the hand holding and the butterflies. it's one of the best around.

i'm pretty sure that's all i've got. i was doing good too.
oh ps- do yourself a favor and read blue like jazz if you haven't yet.
every morning, every afternoon, every day- is a gift.
the sun rises and the sun sets...
the sun rises and the sun sets...
you breathe in and out,
but it feels like there's nothing in between.
we were meant to live for so much more.
life is good. i may have found a new apartment in south buffalo. as long as everything pulls through, i'll live about a quarter mile down the street from joel and fudge, and about one mile away from leah's sister lindsay. it'll be a blast, not only because it'll be an actual house, but we'll each have our own bedrooms, and just living with bill and leah will be freaking amazing.

switchfoot and relient k is on thursday. i seriously cannot wait. i'm so so so so pumped.

kt k comes in tonight! i'm excited to hang out with her. i miss her a lot!!! i told her yesterday that i'm looking into moving to south carolina instead of florida, and she was being too funny. i really am excited about looking into S.C. though. It seems extremely reasonable and it's about the same cost of living as buffalo. I just have to apply to the school (and get in).

i hung out with matty today. we just went to starbucks and drove around a little bit but i love the kid. i wish he went to school here and not in brockport. it's okay though. he's doing to do great things with his life.

victory tour is sooooon. i have to say i'm rather pumped for that too.

list of people that i miss that i need to see in the near future:
-Leeeeeeeee =(

this week has been rough. it's so weird how things happen at the most random times. death is not something anyone expects ever. especially so suddenly. it's surprising too how people pull together when something like this happens. i feel like that's a lot of the reason though. not that it's ever justified for something like this to happen. especially not at such a young age, but it's kind of a good feeling to see how much support comes at a time like that. joel is one of the best people i know, inside and out. same thing with christine, and although i did not know joe all that well, i still hung out with him enough to feel it. the point of it is though, that knowing christine and joel, i feel like i knew joe a little better than i died, and anyone who is in good company with them is also with me. leah and i were talking yesterday and i realized that i've never really met anyone as carefree as joe was. he just did what he wanted, and always seemed to be having a good time. he wanted other people to have a good time, and he just lived life in the best way that he could. he was truly a great person, and i wish i got to know him better before jumping to conclusions. i can't help but feel a little bit upset when i think about how much i complained about joe. he didn't mean anything by his actions, and i wish i didn't have to realize it this way. i just hope wherever he is he understands that people in general don't mean everything that they say, and that people in general say things on impulse and feeling. it's another thing i've learned from this and i feel like i'm going to live a better life from now on.... so thank you Joe Kammerer... rest in peace. you're going to be missed by so many people.
i'm feeling low. it seems thats the only time i write in here, but that is not on purpose. that's just when i find the time to do so.

this semester is killing me. i don't enjoy school at all, and therefore i have no motivation to go to any of my classes. i've missed a lot already but somehow everytime i actually go to class after i miss one or two, we're still on the same topic. i hate repetitive classes more than anything.

the weather has been pretty nice lately. i haven't been able to enjoy it much because i work 35-40 hours a week, but i don't mind working really. i like being able to afford things like my apartment and such. i'm wayyy in debt, but i feel like the entire picture of it all is making me much more responsible and better at managing my money. no i am not good at it yet but i'm working on it.

buffalo sports... where do i even start? i tried having faith in the bills. i really did. i watched a game or two. hated it. monday night made me want to cringe. we had such a HUGE lead and then just lost it. i don't know whats up with buffalo hockey either. for only losing two players, we are not playing the way we should be. our defense is lacking, our offense is lacking, and it just seems like the entire team took a hit somehow. i feel them though. there's not much motivation in the air it seems like... or at least it's hard to find. still supporting though, still supporting.

i feel really weird. REALLY weird. i don't know what's wrong with me lately, but the days just kind of seem to blur one into another. i'm stuck in this little spot where i just keep falling back. i'm not sure when i'll get out of it, but i know i will. i have some good people by my side.

some things have happened the past few days that have made me realize who i need and how lucky i am to have those specific people in my life. i finally have one or two tight groups of friends that i know i can count on. i would do anything in the world for these people and i can't believe how upset i get knowing that something bothers them. i like it though. it means i'm feeling something at least.

it's weird to know that some of the people that i care about the most are the ones i hardly see. i talked to my friend joey the other night for forty minutes. we never really talked much, but when we did the conversation was always a good one. same thing with michael. those are two kids i miss a lot.

melee is next week. i'm excited for that. camping is the following week... and i don't think i could be more excited for anything in the world... except maybe switchfoot which is about a month away. i have a lot of things to look forward to, and even though i'm at an extreme low in my life... i'm thankful for what i do have. extremely thankful.

i think right now is the time that i NEED a change.
a really really big one. it seems that i'm stuck in a repetitive state.
nothing ever changes... it feels like it does and then it all just starts over.
i wish life wasn't like that. it's so hard to live like that.

i am really honestly sick of feeling.
i'm sick of falling for people so easily.
i don't like that i wear my heart on my sleeve.
it happens so easily, and it's a hard personality trait to break.
doesn't help confidence much either.

so where do i go from here?
i'm stuck againnnnn. i hate being in the "stuck state".
that's what i call it. it just feels like i'm alive.
i'm not really living... [cue paramore]
but seriously, does anyone else feel that way?

school is ruining me.
this summer was so good.
bill leaves in a month,
and since school started i've seen him three times.
i used to see him almost everyday.
i'm going to miss my brother a lot.

ps- i hate negative entries.
busy. thats probably the best word to describe me.
along with that word come all the other fun adjectives like:
beat, tired, frustrated, happy, etc...
it depends on what is making me "busy" for the day.
most of the time, it's work or school.
40 hours of work a week, plus 20 hours of school...
yeah... i'm busy.

things are good though for the most part.
school is going well. i'm doing a pretty good job at keeping organized.
i'm not too social this year in class i've noticed.
i'm trying really hard to be focused, and it seems okay so far.

i went camping last weekend with mostly Leah's family & a few great friends.
it was amazing to be somewhere where it was pitch black,
in the middle of trees, with a huge pond, and no kind of technology.
my cell phone didn't even have service. i hated it at first.
i learned to love it. it was awesome to kick back and just hang out.
i wish i could go back today because it was a highlight of summer.

hung out with some randoms this week too.
got drunk and chilled while a band jammed out and pre-recorded some stuff.
that was a fun few days. i live for random occurences.

talked to Katie Kavanaugh a few days ago.
we don't talk much, but she's a really good person,
which makes for good conversation everytime we do get to talk.
i'm glad that i have her in my life.
i hope she can come visit for Christmas!

i got the new needtobreathe & BTBAM cds. absolutely incredible.
both of them such opposites, but BTBAM is soooo talented,
and something about n2b just gets me. i love new music.

plans for the fall are looking good too.
stay focused on school, have a set schedule at work,
and of course roadtrips and concerts.
it's looking right now like this is my schedule for the trips/ concerts,
and i have yet to figure something out with a visit to Toronto to see Jess!
but for now, this is what it's looking like:
October 16th: Melee in the 585
October 26th-28th: New York City.... ADTR/ The Sleeping/ Bayside?
November 15th: Switchfoot in Pittsburgh? pleeeease let this work out.
December 3rd: ADTR/ The Sleeping/ Bayside at X-treme wheels.
really, all that i can say is...
i miss two weeks ago.

i want summer back.