life is not what i thought it was..

switchfoot. never. fails. me.

2008-04-27T07:21:58Z

i've got my memory...
always inside of me.
but i can't go back,
back to how it was.
i believe you now.
i've come too far,
no, i can't go back,
back to how it was.
created for a place i've never known,
this is home, now i'm finally where i belong.
yeah this is home, i've been searching for a place of my own.
now i've found it, maybe this is home, yeah this is home.
belief over misery; i've seen the enemy...
but i wont go back, back to how it was..
i've got my heart set on what happens next.
i've got my eyes wide, its not over yet.
we're a miracle and we're not alone.
and now, after all my searching
after all my questions
i'm gonna call it home.
i've got a brand new mindset.
i can finally see the sunset.
i'm going to call it home.
i've come too far.
and i won't go back,
yeah this is home.

fluxystar @ 2008-04-06T02:13:00

2008-04-06T06:13:37Z

Life is huge. It's a crazy thing to try and breakdown, but when you really get into it, you realize it's the simple things that make everyday more interesting. Driving down the road, sun rays reflect off the windshield and music blares threw the speakers. Coming to the stop light, I glance around and see a little girl on a swing. She seems like she couldn't be happier at that moment, as if the swing is her escape from the bigger picture. Where do we lose that mentality? It's funny that I can't even remember a time of change from that to the complications that everyday life has in store for us. When did we go from having a stand in the front yard selling single glasses of lemonade to this grown up stage of life where you can't survive without money? I never really though about how much we should appreciate that innocence because before we know it, that frame of mind gets ripped away from us and suddenly we are flooded with temptations and thoughts that are unheard of as a child, and we usually aren't even prepared for such a rapid change of pace. We never know when life will throw the next curveball, and whether we will strike out or hit it out of the park. Regardless, simple things are one step closer to home. Appreciate each step. Live it out. Love.

fluxystar @ 2008-02-02T11:33:00

2008-02-02T16:52:29Z

i haven't written in forever. an entry is long overdue.

basically, the new year has been good so far. it seemed like 2007 went by wayyyy too fast. it feels like summer was yesterday. nonetheless, 2008 is looking better than last year. maybe it's because i'm comparing one month to twelve months, or maybe it's just the fact that i have a lot of goals to work towards, and one of them already happened.

to write love on her arms intern for a week? i never really thought it would happen but it did. i just have to fill out some paper work and it looks like i'll be in florida with them for a week in march, and then staying down there to visit my cousins for another week after that. it's pretty unreal. i remember when i had the chance to do just a little work for TWLOHA when they were in buffalo last, and i was so stoked about that. i love everything they do and what they strive to be and the amazing hearts they all have, i can't believe i'm getting the oppurtunity to be a part of it. i am really blessed. i miss my cousins a lot too so basically i'm super stoked.

i moved back home. no reason other than a bad neighborhood and the fact that i was broke really. it was fun while it lasted but really, it's not worth it for me. next goal: save some cash, apply to florida schools and move there. it seems farfetched but i really feel like it's right. i say that a lot but it's now or never really.

friends have been so good to me the past few months. i like the point that i'm in. i really only hang out with leah, michelle or christine, but i like that i can keep relationships with people without necessarily hanging out with them often. it's a good feeling to know that i have that basis with a lot of great people. not saying i dont miss people like michael and brian and molly and kellie and andrea and lee. it's just good to know that whether i see them every few days or every few months, they're still there for me all the same.

at the same point, i kinda feel like i missed out on a huge part of my brother growing up while i wasn't living here. i've only been home for about a week, and i've already learned so much about him. granted, he's only eleven years old, but i love the kid to death. my sister too but she's at that weird closed out high school phase where she only wants to talk to her friends and no one else. i never really realized how intense that phase is until i started watching it from the opposite side.

as far as relationships go, i'm still solo. i really have no feelings about that at all. i really would like to have the feeling of having someone there, but at the same time i want it to be with someone i share the feelings with, so i'm in no rush. i just miss everything that comes with it. the snuggles and the hand holding and the butterflies. it's one of the best around.

i'm pretty sure that's all i've got. i was doing good too.
oh ps- do yourself a favor and read blue like jazz if you haven't yet.

fluxystar @ 2007-11-16T04:07:00

2007-11-16T09:10:22Z

every morning, every afternoon, every day- is a gift.
the sun rises and the sun sets...
the sun rises and the sun sets...
you breathe in and out,
but it feels like there's nothing in between.
we were meant to live for so much more.

fluxystar @ 2007-11-11T12:30:00

2007-11-11T17:36:10Z

life is good. i may have found a new apartment in south buffalo. as long as everything pulls through, i'll live about a quarter mile down the street from joel and fudge, and about one mile away from leah's sister lindsay. it'll be a blast, not only because it'll be an actual house, but we'll each have our own bedrooms, and just living with bill and leah will be freaking amazing.

switchfoot and relient k is on thursday. i seriously cannot wait. i'm so so so so pumped.

kt k comes in tonight! i'm excited to hang out with her. i miss her a lot!!! i told her yesterday that i'm looking into moving to south carolina instead of florida, and she was being too funny. i really am excited about looking into S.C. though. It seems extremely reasonable and it's about the same cost of living as buffalo. I just have to apply to the school (and get in).

i hung out with matty today. we just went to starbucks and drove around a little bit but i love the kid. i wish he went to school here and not in brockport. it's okay though. he's doing to do great things with his life.

victory tour is sooooon. i have to say i'm rather pumped for that too.

list of people that i miss that i need to see in the near future:
-Leeeeeeeee =(
-BK
-Molly
-Michael

fluxystar @ 2007-10-25T01:11:00

2007-10-25T05:21:14Z

this week has been rough. it's so weird how things happen at the most random times. death is not something anyone expects ever. especially so suddenly. it's surprising too how people pull together when something like this happens. i feel like that's a lot of the reason though. not that it's ever justified for something like this to happen. especially not at such a young age, but it's kind of a good feeling to see how much support comes at a time like that. joel is one of the best people i know, inside and out. same thing with christine, and although i did not know joe all that well, i still hung out with him enough to feel it. the point of it is though, that knowing christine and joel, i feel like i knew joe a little better than i died, and anyone who is in good company with them is also with me. leah and i were talking yesterday and i realized that i've never really met anyone as carefree as joe was. he just did what he wanted, and always seemed to be having a good time. he wanted other people to have a good time, and he just lived life in the best way that he could. he was truly a great person, and i wish i got to know him better before jumping to conclusions. i can't help but feel a little bit upset when i think about how much i complained about joe. he didn't mean anything by his actions, and i wish i didn't have to realize it this way. i just hope wherever he is he understands that people in general don't mean everything that they say, and that people in general say things on impulse and feeling. it's another thing i've learned from this and i feel like i'm going to live a better life from now on.... so thank you Joe Kammerer... rest in peace. you're going to be missed by so many people.

fluxystar @ 2007-10-10T10:35:00

2007-10-10T14:47:10Z

i'm feeling low. it seems thats the only time i write in here, but that is not on purpose. that's just when i find the time to do so.

this semester is killing me. i don't enjoy school at all, and therefore i have no motivation to go to any of my classes. i've missed a lot already but somehow everytime i actually go to class after i miss one or two, we're still on the same topic. i hate repetitive classes more than anything.

the weather has been pretty nice lately. i haven't been able to enjoy it much because i work 35-40 hours a week, but i don't mind working really. i like being able to afford things like my apartment and such. i'm wayyy in debt, but i feel like the entire picture of it all is making me much more responsible and better at managing my money. no i am not good at it yet but i'm working on it.

buffalo sports... where do i even start? i tried having faith in the bills. i really did. i watched a game or two. hated it. monday night made me want to cringe. we had such a HUGE lead and then just lost it. i don't know whats up with buffalo hockey either. for only losing two players, we are not playing the way we should be. our defense is lacking, our offense is lacking, and it just seems like the entire team took a hit somehow. i feel them though. there's not much motivation in the air it seems like... or at least it's hard to find. still supporting though, still supporting.

i feel really weird. REALLY weird. i don't know what's wrong with me lately, but the days just kind of seem to blur one into another. i'm stuck in this little spot where i just keep falling back. i'm not sure when i'll get out of it, but i know i will. i have some good people by my side.

some things have happened the past few days that have made me realize who i need and how lucky i am to have those specific people in my life. i finally have one or two tight groups of friends that i know i can count on. i would do anything in the world for these people and i can't believe how upset i get knowing that something bothers them. i like it though. it means i'm feeling something at least.

it's weird to know that some of the people that i care about the most are the ones i hardly see. i talked to my friend joey the other night for forty minutes. we never really talked much, but when we did the conversation was always a good one. same thing with michael. those are two kids i miss a lot.

melee is next week. i'm excited for that. camping is the following week... and i don't think i could be more excited for anything in the world... except maybe switchfoot which is about a month away. i have a lot of things to look forward to, and even though i'm at an extreme low in my life... i'm thankful for what i do have. extremely thankful.

fluxystar @ 2007-09-19T13:14:00

2007-09-19T17:21:45Z

i think right now is the time that i NEED a change.
a really really big one. it seems that i'm stuck in a repetitive state.
nothing ever changes... it feels like it does and then it all just starts over.
i wish life wasn't like that. it's so hard to live like that.

i am really honestly sick of feeling.
i'm sick of falling for people so easily.
i don't like that i wear my heart on my sleeve.
it happens so easily, and it's a hard personality trait to break.
doesn't help confidence much either.

so where do i go from here?
i'm stuck againnnnn. i hate being in the "stuck state".
that's what i call it. it just feels like i'm alive.
i'm not really living... [cue paramore]
but seriously, does anyone else feel that way?

school is ruining me.
this summer was so good.
bill leaves in a month,
and since school started i've seen him three times.
i used to see him almost everyday.
i'm going to miss my brother a lot.
=(

ps- i hate negative entries.

fluxystar @ 2007-09-08T20:26:00

2007-09-09T00:39:12Z

busy. thats probably the best word to describe me.
along with that word come all the other fun adjectives like:
beat, tired, frustrated, happy, etc...
it depends on what is making me "busy" for the day.
most of the time, it's work or school.
40 hours of work a week, plus 20 hours of school...
yeah... i'm busy.

things are good though for the most part.
school is going well. i'm doing a pretty good job at keeping organized.
i'm not too social this year in class i've noticed.
i'm trying really hard to be focused, and it seems okay so far.

i went camping last weekend with mostly Leah's family & a few great friends.
it was amazing to be somewhere where it was pitch black,
in the middle of trees, with a huge pond, and no kind of technology.
my cell phone didn't even have service. i hated it at first.
i learned to love it. it was awesome to kick back and just hang out.
i wish i could go back today because it was a highlight of summer.

hung out with some randoms this week too.
got drunk and chilled while a band jammed out and pre-recorded some stuff.
that was a fun few days. i live for random occurences.

talked to Katie Kavanaugh a few days ago.
we don't talk much, but she's a really good person,
which makes for good conversation everytime we do get to talk.
i'm glad that i have her in my life.
i hope she can come visit for Christmas!

i got the new needtobreathe & BTBAM cds. absolutely incredible.
both of them such opposites, but BTBAM is soooo talented,
and something about n2b just gets me. i love new music.

plans for the fall are looking good too.
stay focused on school, have a set schedule at work,
and of course roadtrips and concerts.
it's looking right now like this is my schedule for the trips/ concerts,
and i have yet to figure something out with a visit to Toronto to see Jess!
but for now, this is what it's looking like:
October 16th: Melee in the 585
October 26th-28th: New York City.... ADTR/ The Sleeping/ Bayside?
November 15th: Switchfoot in Pittsburgh? pleeeease let this work out.
December 3rd: ADTR/ The Sleeping/ Bayside at X-treme wheels.

fluxystar @ 2007-08-29T23:31:00

2007-08-30T03:32:27Z

really, all that i can say is...
i miss two weeks ago.

i want summer back.
now.
=(

fluxystar @ 2007-08-14T23:01:00

2007-08-15T03:10:23Z

i'm slowly getting back on my feet.
life right now is great. it's funny how that works.

i've spent the last week pretty much just working,
and hanging out with the best friends i've ever had.
i honestly think that the group i'm with all the time now,
are the ones that are going to stick.
we all just fit together, and i love that so much.

i am seriously thinking about joining the army.
it's a hard decision to make, and some people would say
that since i'm not 100% for it, then i don't really want to.
i think those are the people who are just scared to take risks.
like me. i've always been scared of that. it's just taking time.

leah. bill. lee. mike. pat. and kellie.
these are my people.
i've never been more comfortable around people in my life.
i like that i am feeling confident and accepted.
it's a great feeling really.

school's starting soon. i'm pretty stoked about that too.
i have a class with emmy, and with my cousin.
same class, so that should be a lot of fun.
all of my classes this semester are good,
except that i don't get credit for one.

saw a good live show yesterday with my best friend,
and hung out with some great people til 4 a.m.
such a random night, but probably one of the best in a while.
not to mention it ended on my roof watching a meteor shower.
ill.... freaking ill.

today i broke out in hives.
apparently the doctors were wrong when they said i have no allergies.
i've never had an allergic reaction until now.
what the heck is going on?
ruined my day really. i was supposed to work,
and i ended up getting sent home an hour and a half early,
and then i fell asleep.
i was supposed to hang out with brian, jess and michael but
i wasn't feeling good. damnit. sorry jess! =(
i'll just have to visit you at school super soon.

on that note, i'm super tired and i feel like crap and i'm going to bed.

fluxystar @ 2007-08-03T22:34:00

2007-08-04T02:36:53Z

i did it again.
this is a repeat of when i was sixteen,
except now i might be able to fix it.
you'll never read this.
i like you. a lot.
i'm a moron for ever thinking i didn't.
i was so scared and so so nervous, and i didn't see that.
until now.
i wish i would have because now i want to tell you more than ever.
i miss you.

fluxystar @ 2007-08-02T01:07:00

2007-08-02T05:09:15Z

why.
why why why why why.
i don't fucking understand.

how the hell do i get like this?
how the hell do i fix this?
i have never felt worse in my life.
i don't like hurting people.
and i hate even more when i am prevented from fixing it.
this is seriously driving me insane.

i hope this breaks soon.
i don't know how much longer i can take this.

fluxystar @ 2007-07-28T03:28:00

2007-07-28T07:36:19Z

here's the deal.
i give up. on everything and everyone.
i'm losing faith more than i ever have.
i don't have much good in my life right now.
i make stupid decisions.
i cut people out of my life that should be in it forever.
i don't even have Jesus anymore.
He's gone. i don't feel Him. i can't.
it's like i'm locked in a box and i seriously can't get out.
i want to runaway. i'm not even just saying that.
i really need to leave and get away from everyone.
maybe not everyone. there are very few exceptions.
i think i'd take my kitty with me too.

i try so fucking hard not to be selfish.
i put myself on the line for everyone.
i try not to put myself first and somehow, i crash in the end.
i fucking crash.
i am right now....
and i don't see myself getting back up anytime soon.

i know the people in my life that i can trust now.
my roommate is one of them. she is my best friend.
i love her more than she even knows and i hate seeing her hurt.
lee is another one that i can trust.
that girl is one of the best people around, and i'm glad she's become one of my best friends.
i wish kellie lived closer because she keeps me in line.
i've never met someone as sincere and passionate as her, and i wish i could be more like that.
bill boldt. i cannot say enough good things about this kid.
i love him like he is my family, and i don't know what i'm going to do when he leaves in two months.
i wish i still had the dinos in my life too.

that's all i have. no one else cares what i think.
i truly honestly feel like i have no one.
i have never felt more alone in my life.
i have never hit the ground harder.
i don't know where to turn or what to do,
but i need to get out.
if someone could give me some advice, that would be great.

fluxystar @ 2007-07-11T08:18:00

2007-07-11T12:29:30Z

i moved out. i no longer live in my parent's house.
i live in an apartment about five minutes away, above a pizzeria.
and i absolutely love it.

there are so many things that i am happy with right now.
and at the same time, there is a lot that i have to work on.
it's a never ending battle, really.

so i watched the notebook last night again.
it gives me so much hope. i can't wait to feel that.

my birthday is in fourteen days. i'll be twenty.
no more "teen" for me. that's weird. i don't know if i like it.

kingdom bounnnnnnnnd so soon. i can't wait! ajishdlgsjgadglh
i love jesus! eeeeeeee!

fluxystar @ 2007-06-26T02:16:00

2007-06-26T06:20:04Z

things are looking up. at night when i drive around, street lights always turn off around me. things are taking a turn. everything is falling into place. i can't stop wondering where life is going to take me. why bother trying to predict it. it's impossible. today we have today. that's all we can think about. who knows how when things are going to change faster than we know. today we have today.

fluxystar @ 2007-06-21T04:23:00

2007-06-21T08:39:48Z

this is a negative entry, just to warn anyone who actually still reads LJ.
you really don't have to read this, it's for venting purposes only.

i don't know why i always do this.
i don't know why i get these crazy thoughts in my head.
i don't know how i can sometimes find something negative and dwell on it.

i am just flat out stuck.
i know what i want in my life i just can't push myself to do it.
but i'm going to. not even that. i need to. and i will.

i hate that i push people in my life away.
these people are a lot of the times the ones that mean the most.
i don't know how i end up making them feel bad about things.
i do take blame for it. i just can't own up to it.
i need to work on it.

i don't like the way i am, in more ways than one.
i need to push myself to exercise so i can feel healthy and more confident.

i need to get out of debt.
i won't do anything for a while.
unless it is absolutely necessary.
i can't spend money, and i won't.

i need to get my priorities straight.
i will too. i have to stick to it.

i'm sorry for the lame negativeness of this entry.
i blame the new medication i'm taking.
but i am going to change for the better.
i can be a better person.

fluxystar @ 2007-06-17T13:19:00

2007-06-17T17:26:42Z

just woke up. slept three hours later than i wanted to.
didn't even hear my alarm. i don't know what's wrong.
i either sleep wayyyy too much, or not enough.
seems more like not enough lately though. more like just staring at the ceiling on my back.

my mind is a mess. i have so much there right now,
and not enough of it is coming out. i feel like a total ass
for what has been going on lately. i just don't know how to end it.
i try. i try so hard. sometimes i guess no matter how hard you try,
it never really ends. even if that's all you want. life doesn't work that way.

and that's the tricky thing about life, really, that the things we want most will kill us. i read this piece recently that talked about loving either darkness or loving light, and how hard it is to love light and how easy it is to love darkness. i think that is true. ultimately, we do what we love to do. i like to think that i do things for the right reasons, but i don't, i do things because i do or don't love doing them. because of sin, because i am self-addicted, living in the wreckage of the fall, my body, my heart, and my affections are prone to love things that kill me.

fluxystar @ 2007-05-30T23:53:00

2007-05-31T03:57:02Z

home from florida.
life is good generally.
i love summer time.

friends are good stuff.
i really enjoy where i'm at.

i got a new job at applebee's.
i start in two weeks.
quitting the market will be a good thing i think.

buuuuuuuut i miss a lot of people.
i need to see these people SOON!
-Kellie!
-Lee
-Kurtis
-Ashley
-Katie =) [soooooon!]
-all the Dinos
-lots of people from LT
-the Villarini's!
-Michael
-Jarod
-Drea
-Julia
-Jessaboo
-Brian
-Molly
-Joey =( [though i doubt it]
-Matty [july cannot come fast enough]

fluxystar @ 2007-05-03T23:44:00

2007-05-04T03:49:43Z

life. is. good.
hopefully i don't jinx myself.

anyways, school is over pretty much.
all i have left if the math final, and i feel like this was a huge year for me.
i feel like as a person, i grew so much.
i'm much more confident now, and i have my priorities straight.
you may or may not agree with my priorities,
but it's not your decision. it's mine, and it's how i choose to live.

this week i've seen a lot of people that i love.
there's only a few missing in my life right now.
andrea comes home in a few weeks for the summer.
lee is going to be back at home, and hopefully this summer is like last.
and i really really miss kellie. i need roadtrips this summer.
and i'm making her come to the entire kingdom bound.

back to people that i love.
i really miss hilary, and i hope to hang out with her more this summer.
the other day i watched the sabres game with a good friend too.
it's cool to know that people still care the same amount,
even if you don't hang out a lot.

life is changing quickly, but,
life.is.good.

ps- entry #500? craaaaazy. i love you LJ.

fluxystar @ 2007-04-07T00:35:00

2007-04-07T04:46:52Z

this week has been literally driving me insane.
i haven't really done much except work and sleep. it wasn't really a spring break at all.
i'm actually almost positive i've worked more this week than i have the entire semester.
after tomorrow, i will have spent about 45 hours at the market in the square.
i am so warn out and exhausted. i can't wait to have four days off.
and i'm pretty excited actually to start school again. i miss seeing emily and jarod.

tuesday is the early november's last show in buffalo.
it's weird that so many bands are breaking up right now.
the ones that are breaking up seem to have been the one's that impacted me when i was younger too.
maybe that just means that it's a time where everyone is really growing up.
it could just be a coincidence. i'm probably just overanalyzing like always.
mostly, tuesday is just a reunion for me.
i can't wait to see bryce again. i've missed him this past year.
the high's you get from his live shows aren't really comparible to much else.
the only thing that has beat it for me is switchfoot, but that is for personal reasons.
i can't wait to have a dance party with most of my best friends,
and get that instant feeling of happiness with his first note that he plays.
i'm getting carried away again.

back to work. i really like the people i work with at the market.
they are what has kept me there as long as i have stayed.
but i feel like i need to get a better paying job right now.
i really want an apartment this summer, and it's not looking good right now.
i need to save at least 1,000 dollars by june.
could happen, but not at the market. so i'm considering waitressing.
seriously considering. i actually applied a few places.
i won't quit market all together i don't think. i'll miss it too much.
i'll probably just keep 10-12 hours a week there, and do 20-25 waitressing.
it will be a pretty good compromise. i know i can handle two jobs at least for summer.

almost done. florida. i cannot wait.
leah and i are going to head down there for a week at the end of may.
i miss my cousins, and i miss the ocean.
it's not san diego at all, but i just need the getaway feeling.
i'm suuuuuper excited. flights are going to be booked tomorrow.

lastly, good friday is over.
easter sunday is tomorrow.
i'm not going to say much because i don't have much to say.
i feel like i forgot what this season has been about.
and i feel like i should try to be a better person all the time,
instead of just for forty days and nights during the year.
that's my goal, because i know i could be a much better person.
i love You. i'm going to try hardest. that's all i can offer. i hope You can still love me.

fluxystar @ 2007-03-28T23:27:00

2007-03-29T03:34:50Z

today was beautiful. it was one of those days that you just appreciated being alive.
i love days like this. for a lot of it, i just stared out the window.
and looked at the sky, and the surroundings, and just throught about a lot of things.
things are clearing up it seems, and so is the weather.
weird how that works. it seems that the winter is just depressing.
not for everyone, just for people who live here all the time.
i just need sunshine and warmth and free time. i need nothing holding me back.
i miss summer '05 and i'm determined to make this summer a good one.
i hope i'm not expecting too much from it though. i hate being let down.

my mind seems to be the soundtrack to my life now. i over-analyze every situation i'm in.
from beginning to end, i'm analyzing everything around me.
maybe it's not over-analyzation though afterall. maybe it's just that i realize
the value of life now, and i don't want to miss one second of it.
it's really intense when you think about it. there's a lot about me that people don't know.
the stars drive me crazy. i just can't understand how i am so fortunate to see something that beautiful.
they're so mysterious though. i'm not sure what their purpose is.
everything here has a purpose, but i can't figure out what the purpose of the stars is.
maybe it's just that. to make us wonder and think and relate to our own.

i think i'm about to go off on a tangent so i'll end here.

fluxystar @ 2007-03-19T00:39:00

2007-03-19T04:53:25Z

i'm going crazy. i don't know how to find the words for where i am right now. it's just me being stuck. i'm stuck and i can't figure it out. everything should be good but i just can't stop questioning everything. the littlest things that shouldn't make me mad do, and the things that should don't. i do something even though i know it's not right, and then i feel bad about. i should have just avoided it to begin with. i don't know where i stand, but i do know who i am.. and i know that i am blessed to have people like leah, andrea, jarod, kellie and lee in my life. these people truly understand me and i couldn't thank them enough for how amazing they make me feel as a person. still though, something is missing and i can't figure out what it is. all i know is that switchfoot really is a blessing in my life also. i can't stress enough how important their music is to me. their songs have gotten me through so many hard times in my life, and they are doing a very good job at holding me together right now. as lame as it sounds, i sometimes feel like they are the soundtrack to my life. i can never not find a quote to fit how i am feeling about something when i listen to their music. the emotions are endless, and i think that when you connect with a band like i have, and like i know other people have, there is nothing that could stop you from feeling like they are a part of you, and i am just glad i've gotten to experience that. without my friends and family and switchfoot, i'm not sure i would be the person i am today. i just wish there were words to tell each and everyone of them how much i value every single little thing they have done for me, but i really don't think it's possible.

life has a funny way of making things really great, and then bringing you right back down so you don't get too caught up in the moment. it has a really good way of bringing you right back to reality when you get the slightest feel of something good. the cool part is, i don't think the evil in life will ever win over the good in life, because no matter how bad things get, memories will always be there, and there is always something better to strive for. when things get worse, and life seems like the worst thing ever, if you sit back and think about it, it's actually a really good spot to be in, because that means that there is so much more to look forward to, rather than to fall farther back on. i just have to keep telling myself that when i get deeper into things.

i put my ring back on. i'm not sure any of you even know what i'm talking about, or if you even care. it's a part of me, and it really does help me. mock me. say that "i'm lame".. but you will never change who i am inside. no matter how many mistakes i make. i will keep coming back to You. please never doubt me, i am and always will be Yours, no matter how hopeless i may seem. never lose faith in me.

there is one minor detail in this entry... did you catch it?

fluxystar @ 2007-03-05T10:41:00

2007-03-05T15:46:21Z

sooo i'm at school right now.
and basically, i just need it to be over.
i need to feel like i'm living life fully again,
instead of just living life in spurts.

i really reallly really love my friends.
i'm glad i'm at the point where i am just comfortable being around them.
i'm comfortable being me. maybe not 100%, but way more than i used to be.
i think that's a good thing too, because it seems like people like me more too.
i guess i should have just been myself all along. who knew?
it's cool though that i am at that point now,
because the friends i have now are everything i've ever wanted.
i hope that it stays this way for a long long time.
it would make me happier for sure.

i've experienced some great music lately.
and i actually just realized that after next week,
i will have seen all three of my favorite bands within a month.
no wonder i'm loving life so much right now.

fluxystar @ 2007-02-24T02:05:00

2007-02-24T07:13:34Z

i always have a lot to say, and then as soon as i get here, it's gone.
i'll have to work on that.. but for now.

i'm at a really strange place in my life.
i always hit these super huge bumps in the road where i get thrown SO off.
just when i think i'm getting back to believing in things, life takes its toll.
i hate questioning my beliefs and morals.
at the same time though, i'm at a really relieving time in my life,
where i am learning to just accept things for what they are.
including myself... and that's a huge step for me.

i hate the fact that i am such a bad friend to a few people.
i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm never like this ever.
i know that it's wrong, but for some reason i just can't stop.
i don't think it's totally my fault though.
i will openly admit that it is more my fault, but i'm not taking total blame.
i just wish you could see how quickly things have changed too,
and where the faults that you have lie, so i wouldn't feel so shitty.

on a side note... Andrew McMahon. really, you don't have to say much more.
he is ~~probably~~ definitely one of the best musicians i've ever heard.
i love that he is finally gaining what he deserves.
last night's show defintely fell into the top five shows ever.
i can't even put into words how amazing a person Andrew is.
he is so thankful for what he has too, and that makes it even better.
if there were more people like him in the world.. wow. it's hard to even think about.

i think that's all i've got for now.